A Short-distance Relationship

So, everyone is familiar with a long-distance relationship, right? Two folk like each other, like seeing each other when they are in the same place...keeping things humming along via skype and facetime, sexting, etc., when they're not...yeah?

Well, I'm in a short-distance relationship. "Duh!", you say, "that's essentially just a geographically unchallenged love affair of (lets say two, to be conventional) hearts". And yes, I'd have to admit that being in the same vicinity of - in fact, living with - your loved one is the cornerstone of a short-distance relationship...but it's not, per se, the approximate map of the relationship.

To be classified as living in a short-distance relationship, the following criteria under the most recent DSM-IV (Distance-related Selective Myopia, Interminably-Venereal) must be met:

1. You must be one of two cohabiting adults: one who is house-trained, or one who is afflicted with "Selective Spacial Judgement Deficiency".

2. In your shared abode/living quarters, there must be daily evidence of at least three of the following occurrences:

(a) Dirty dishes rinsed and stacked on top of the dishwasher/draining board;
(b) Empty biscuit packets/potato chips or popcorn bags/fast food packaging propped up "next" to the bin or sitting on top of the pedal operated bin lid;
(c) Empty bottles, plastic containers, newspapers, and cans lined up next to the recycling bin;
(d) Toilet-paper roll inserts forming a pipeline from the base of the loo to the edge of the bath, or arranged in a perilous conical tower of sorts...a Babylonian stairway to the bin in the sky;
(e) A water jug, empty, with thirsty tongue hanging out, waiting in the sink to be replenished and returned to the fridge door;
(f) Wet towels hung out to dry across the foot of a bed, or draped over a chair/coat rack/door handle/painting frame;
(g) A trail of dead socks walking towards the laundry basket, but dying a few steps away from target.

3. The SSJD-afflicted partner must strongly believe that SSJD is a common, acceptable condition that poses no threat to their health or relationship, although can attract persecutory aggression and nagging;

4. The SSJD-negative partner must love the SSJD partner deeply, greatly preferring to have them around, than not.